Tough Twinkie

A Jingle About Chemo #6 Just step right up and feel the fright, The fright of the chemo circus flip, The side effects all tumble in, About 5 days post the IV drip. Swollen legs take center stage, Bone zings spark and fill the air, It’s pulling on pants that lets the Beast out the cage… So, do you dare? You can’t ignore, The chemo circus tour, Come, see what’s in store, On the chemo circus tour!  Round 6, the last of the chemotherapy infusions and the grand finale, was  supposed to end with an Olympic gold medal at the finish line.   Instead, my skeleton betrayed me, collapsing over the line with no medal in sight. Only a balloon animal, shaped like a taser and buzzing with actual shock waves. A cruel circus joke that left me stunned and immobile. Yet this Tough Twinkie didn’t get sawed in half. I’m still standing, still sarcastic, still undefeated — and so, that is victory.

MISSING from the Left Side Color: Deep Brown, referred to as “Espresso” by makeup brands. Arch: “St. Louis” resemblance. Temperament: Not dangerous, just judgmental and a tad dramatic. Movement: Creeps along like a suspicious caterpillar. Last seen July 24th at the infusion center.  May now be posing as   your   brow, so check closely. I’m not saying you stole it… but if you’re wearing it, hand it over. My right side is pulling double shifts and it’s hard to rock the “Tough Twinkie” look with only one brow. It’s time to get “ Symmetrical… Symmetricaaall!”  as Olivia Newton-John would sing. Reward: Facial symmetry. It’s priceless yet so appreciated.

How to Respond While Falling Apart Instead of stumbling for answers to the dreaded “How are you?”, I started consulting my Magic 8-Ball . Here is what it says through the lens of chemo side effects, exhaustion, and just trying to survive the circus: 1. Under Reconstruction Yes, I’m still here. No, I’m not available . Tried rebooting but all I got was an error message, Fresh Out of Feelings. 2. “Gag Me With a Spoon” Just kidding — it’s pills, supplements, and a task list longer than a Costco receipt taped to my last nerve. 3. Nah, It’s Nap Time Somewhere over the rainbow, my hopes and dreams are yodeling without me. Probably dressed in matching jumpsuits too. 4. Are We There Yet? Even the TV looks like it’s melting off the wall from the psychological heat of binge-watching The Bear. 5. Walk it Out Oh wait — thighs on fire just from the stairs? So clutch! Now let’s trick my body into cardio… by standing on a vibration plate like a Tickle-Me-Elmo. 6. . . Anyone? Anyone? All operators van...