Tough Twinkie

So NOT CLEAN “Ain’t nobody as stench as me — I’m just so NOT FRESH , and so NOT CLEAN .” It’s time my favorite duo, Outkast, tag in for the circus. Here I sit, marinating in my own limited-edition stench, packaging it up like a holiday candle no one asked for. “I love when you sniff, then scatter away from me — I’m just so NOT FRESH , and so NOT CLEAN .” Even the dogs are quarantined from my orbit. Baby wipes and sponge baths recommended after surgery, but… “I’m the itchiest grasshopper on the planet. (In my mind) there’s a flea infestation closing in — go on and panic.” Adhesive bandages are the latest act in this freak show: glued into my skin, protruding rashes and blisters. “Got me thinkin’… we fling open that patio, Crank that stank like a rodeo, Buck a bronco, let it go!” Coated in itchy rashes and stench… the time came to pack it up, freak show! At the clinic the bandages were removed and finally my skin could breathe. A few more sponge baths over a few days and the itchy rashes...

Hair is Back, Tell a Friend How will the new sprouts on my head grow in? Throughout chemo, my adorable  niece (loose compliment) loved pointing out my bald head. Once she gasped, “OH WOW! I wouldn’t recognize you in public with no hair.” Cute, right? Well, “Guess who’s back? Back again?” That’s right, the hair on Shea’s. . . no, not on my chinny, chin, chin, but on my scalp, finally ! So it is time for a vote.  Cleo (and the rest of you), state your opinions. . . or your bets, on how the hair will regrow. The first person to guess correctly wins a chia pet! Options Include: 1. Slime-Shady Blonde & Straight. 2. Slime-Shady Brown, Straight Remix. 3. Ron the Weasel Red & Straight. 4. Hairtrix Dark & Straight. 5. Timberlake-Noodles Blonde & Curly. 6. Timberlake-Noodles Brown & Curly. 7. Shaun-That-Ain’t-White, Red Curls / Waves. 8. Timothee-Let-Us-See Dark Curls. 9. Trebek-Ya-Didn’t-Expect White & Straight. 10. Muaha-Mu-GOT-YOU White Curls.

Not in my Calendar = NOT REAL Breaking Report:   Nurses at the infusion center warned Tough Twinkie that “Chemo Brain is real.” Sources confirm she believed them… sort of. In  the same way people “believe” Mercury is in retrograde. Dismissively. Early infusions showed only minor lapses of memory. After the final infusion, round  6, the condition escalated. Witnesses say entire appointments vanished from memory. “Um, my bad?” said Twinkie in a press release. Experts have since confirmed: if it’s not written in the official calendar or backed by a blaring phone alarm, then the event does not, in fact, exist in this reality.  The Tough Twinkie administration urges friends and family to proceed with caution and with paper trails. It is advised to hate the game (chemo) and not hate the player (Tough Twinkie).

The Chemotherapy Crumbles Everyone groans at glitter: “UGH, what a mess!” At least glitter promises fun. Crumbs? No fun. Just a mess.  Corn Flakes promise “simple goodness” on the box but in reality they leave dust behind. Like chemo, weeks of treatments leave behind dusty crumbs — lingering side effects that stick, float, and tumble around. One of my favorite activities, hiking, has been neglected for months. I wasn’t prepared for the Tonya Harding sabotage that whacked out my legs. Even going up and down the apartment stairs feels like climbing Everest. It’s been depressing, like a lukewarm bowl of soggy Corn Flakes . Most days I barely make it across the driveway without sharp stabs trickling down my thighs and across my shins — like shin splints on steroids. The Cancer Team’s regimen — Advil, Claritin , and Tylenol — was supposed to manage the pain and swelling. Some days, it felt more like a placebo, just enough to let the dogs outside. Theories among Oncology teams wobbled ...