Symptoms Du Jour

What is Chemotherapy Servin’ Up?

On the TV show Kitchen Nightmares, Chef Gordon Ramsay delivered a wake-up call to a restaurant owner who misunderstood “soup of the day.” Ramsay, with his face crinkled like an omelet and his voice booming like Oz, clarified it meant fresh soup made that day with available ingredients — certainly NOT reheated sludge from a week ago.

Well, let me tell you, chemotherapy listened to Ramsay. Every day it serves up a special “symptom du jour” from whatever ingredients it collects in my nervous system. This menu changes daily and it is not a comforting bowl of chicken noodle soup.

Here is what chemotherapy has served to me:

Put Me on the Couch Pozole
Bursting with a deeply spiced broth that zaps your soul — gripping your body with haunting discomfort, stinging your muscles with creeping tension, and clouding your mind with a haze of pessimism. Wait… was that supposed to be in the recipe?

Bloody Bisque
Enveloping the palate with a velvety richness so intense that it commands the bathroom sink — this fiery broth is less of a meal and more of an exorcism to let the demons loose.

Cream of Constipation
Simmering with buttery perfection and finishing with betrayal, this unrelenting broth leaves you straining and twisting in agony — whispering to yourself, “It’ll happen,” but the crushing doubt is far more real than relief. Pair it with a shot of pickle juice, the only way out.

Dehydrated Dahl
Steaming with aromatic spices and a subtle heat that parches you from the inside out, leaving your organs and skin tight as clay — forget to hydrate and YOU WILL regret it. That is why it is served with a liter (and another liter) of water.

Gut-Punch Gumbo
Gambling with a smoky and earthy medley that pairs with nausea and cramping to turn digestion into roulette. Ensure you have located the bathroom, as sudden moves could get messy. Sorry, no substitutions allowed.

Hyper-Sensitive Hot & Sour
Zinging with tangy vinegar and savory saltiness, this duo hits like a roundhouse kick to the senses. The serious disclaimer: absolutely no zest. Eighty-six the ginger, chilis, chipotle, green or red chiles, cayenne, red pepper flakes, jalapeños, habanero, and peppercorns. Otherwise: mouth-on-fire, smells-like-regret, silence-over-sound, and curtains-closed-NOW.

Mucositis Minestrone
Blistering with fragrant herbs that scorch the tongue, sting the teeth, and inflame the gums to debilitating heights — every bite tastes like rusted pennies dusted in black pepper. Although who needs flavor when eating, drinking, swallowing, and even talking are excruciating?

Restless Ramen
Piping hot with hearty noodles, robust broth, and seasoned with disorienting twists — sudden shifts in energy, mood, appetite, and body temperature. One moment you're craving life (and actual ramen) and the next you're genuinely unsure if you’re still on this earth. Comes with chopsticks you don’t have the coordination to use.

Shave-It-Off Stew
Sizzling with savory, melt-in-your-mouth flavors so intense they melt your hair off — exposing your bare scalp to the sun, the wind, and the judgmental stares of the world. Your choice of side, a dollop of sunscreen or scalp oil.

No reservations needed! Just wake up, go about the day, and the “symptom du jour” will find you. At some point the brutal buffet will end but until then, slurp on Tough Twinkie.