Stand & Spiral

When the Threat is Vertical

Details from Chemotherapy Infusion #3:

An infomercial parody about standing up and spiraling into chaos. Starring Twinkie, her dog Juney, and her father Papa Mark as the Narrator.

OPEN SCENE:

[Insert: Thunderous heartbeat: KAW-KAHK-DOOM!]

*Fog rolls back to reveal TWINKIE. She is wearing mismatched socks and a slouchy cardigan. She rises slowly from the couch, swaying like she’s on a ship.

TWINKIE (softly singing):
“99 bottles of agua on the wall… take one down…”

*She takes three shaky steps toward the kitchen.

[Enter: JUNEY bursting into frame and locking eyes with the camera. She lets out an ear-piercing yip.]

*Camera snaps back to TWINKIE. She freezes mid-step. Her eyes widen and then spiral into animated vortexes.

TWINKIE (eerily calm):
“E-I-E-I-O… oh no.”

*She collapses in slow motion. THUNK. Juney fans her with a grease-stained pizza box.

[Interject: Narrator voice.]

PAPA MARK:
“Stand & Spiral™—for those who crave the thrill of survival. Your heart pounding like you just outran a bear… when all you did was stand up to get your water bottle.”

*Camera zooms in. TWINKIE now lies in a fetal yoga pose, ‘baby on the side.’ Juney sniffs her nose and gently licks her chin.

TWINKIE (dazed):
“I stood up and now I’m haunted… by my own blood pressure.”

JUNEY (channeling Scooby-Doo):
“Ruh roh, Rinkie. Next time, crawl.”

[Interject: Narrator voice.]

PAPA MARK:
“It’s not a ghost. It’s the Stand & Spiral™. Collapsing in a pile of confusion is the new cardio. Feel your pulse rattle like a maraca inside your rib cage.”

[On screen: a list of side effects flashes briefly.]
  • Heart Palpitations
  • Dizziness
  • Hot Flashes
  • Chest Pressure
  • Terror
  • Please spiral responsibly.
*TWINKIE sits up and clutches JUNEY like a teddy bear.

[On Screen: a banner drops from above and the narrator reads.]

PAPA MARK:
“STAND & SPIRAL™ — Don’t just stand there… spiral.”

*Fog rolls back in and the heartbeat returns.

[Insert: KAW-KAHK-DOOM!]

END.

The third round of chemotherapy delivered new side effects with a variety of medical tests. What caused the increased heart rate and decreased blood pressure? 

At first the cancer care team believed it was dehydration from the infusion. So I drank 2L of water and electrolytes and checked my vitals. No changes. Then I went into the clinic for an EKG — heart was deemed in good condition, so we proceeded with blood labs — results returned mild anemia, but my chest still felt tense and my heart raced, and so scans were ordered. 

The team scanned my lung and heart for a pulmonary embolism (blood clot) — results returned NO abnormalities (fortunately!). So an echocardiogram was ordered and a meeting with a Cardiologist was scheduled. The Cardiologist told me, “Your heart looks great and there is no concern.” 

The cause of the increased heart rate and decreased blood pressure? Chemotherapy. Just another side effect of the S.O.B. that created mild anemia. What can I do about the side effects? Try my best to address it through diet, exercise, and rest. It is a rollercoaster ride — one that I don’t like, in fact, I want to be off it NOW. Yet I’m not in control. Until it is done and over, this Tough Twinkie is buckled in, white-knuckled, and screaming.

Comments

  1. JJune 25, 2025 at 4:25 PM

    😳

    ReplyDelete
  2. NettieJuly 1, 2025 at 9:41 AM

    Damn!!! That chemotherapy sucks,😝like an unwanted visitor who won’t leave. Wreaking havoc all around. May the side effects soon pass. Thinking of you today!
    Jeanette 🫂💕

    ReplyDelete

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